This is a picture from walk with my children the past week during school
I've tried keeping my blog posts to be more towards the postive sides and even now I am trying this, even with the caption at the top... Which describes what I will be touching base with today. In the past 2-3 years I've slowly turned into a very anxious and at one point very depressed soul -- though I am not sure as to exactly what my breaking point was to make me be this anxious I know that I have both hated and loved it. I loved the fact of always being home, not feeling rushed to go places and not having to change out of "comfy clothes" but on the other hand I knew, and still know because I am still struggling, I had to make a change, staying home like this and being this scared of everything wasn't healthy, and I needed to show my kids how to be strong adults and be able to go out and do things for themselves. But I was and still am scared to do these things. Sometimes when I have my children with me I am a bit stronger than when I am alone -- I pull myself together to show them that I am able to do things without needing a gaurdian and that its normal to go into the world to shop or pay bills or to simply eat a meal outside of the house every once in a while.
Now, that being said - today was an extraordinary day for me... Not that anything extravagent happened but I was able to get myself ready and go to the store alone... Not even with my children who are sometimes my rock when I need some encouragement. I was there alone and even got all of the things I went into the store to get -- there have been times, even when I had my husband or children with me that I just completely avoided an aisle with many things I needed to purchase simply because there were too many people in it, or too many people in the store period. I can't tell you how many times I've just said nope, we will choose something different and didn't look back, well, until we were home and I realized I should have gotten it because now I would have to change our whole meal plan or now I would have to improvise with another product.
There was this one stretch where the only times I would get out of my own bed were to use the bathroom and get drink -- though they are dark days and sometimes my memory of them are blurry I know they happened and I know my kids wondered just how well I really was. Depression is a terrible thing... Luckily I realized early on in mine what I needed to do to better myself and I've slowly made my way back up with the help of them and my husband. I didn't involve them to show them how terrible I was or make them feel sorry for me to show them that even though we are down... Really, really down we CAN get back up. We CAN ask for help. We CAN be vulnerable. We CAN mend. It was a complete relationship changer for myself and my children. Before being depressed I can't remember if I every really did let them see me in a raw emotional state and well, I can't really remember every allowing myself to be in a raw emotional state and them seeing that even though you "grow up" you can still have big emotions was eye opening to them. They realized that emotions are with us no matter what age we are and that to feel them is the perfect thing to do with them. Somehow they were under the impression that grown-ups do not cry (though not from me) and seeing me being this open just made them realize feeling emotions was sad at times but what we needed to grow and to be open with ourselves and others.
I'm just really hoping this post can help someone who may be having a difficult time and feel there is no end in sight.... There is, my friend. I, for a long time, did not believe this but after my revelation and positive outcome today, I believe it wholeheartedly.
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