And, again if you have been keeping up then you will know that I stay home, not only for my kids the one not old enough to be in school but also to be here in the afternoon with the two who are in school. I feel like this is something great for them and myself especially with homework time and one-on-one help with it.
But it helps with gas money and with upkeep of the house, well, when I have my good not depressed days. Looking in at the way I act and how I am when I am out of the house, you would never think I feel the way I do about myself. But lately I've noticed I no longer love who I am. I no longer feel the love that I had for myself whenever I was a few years younger.
Before I was a stay at home mom I worked 40+ hours a week, always up and moving around. I never needed a workout routine and never had to worry about gaining excess weight. I work a size 5 jeans and size small shirt and I was completely happy with myself I have been smaller in my day but where I was was perfect for me and perfect for loving myself. But two years ago, I quit my job to help take care of my mother and stay at home with her so she did not need to live in a nursing home. Along with her ending up getting so sick so fast I no longer had a babysitter for my kids. I never trusted and still do not trust anyone else to keep them or care for them like her and I have done. So, along with my reasons for staying home I simply do not feel anyone would care for my kids the way I want them cared for and do not trust them to even try.
So, whilst I prepared myself for the inevitable while also keeping my mother and kids happy with our arangment, when she did pass I went into a depression like no other. I stopped getting out of bed, I stopped going outside. I started NEEDING something to dull the pain, this happened to be alcohol, no I dont want to say that I was an alcoholic because it only last 3-4 months, but how long do you need something before it is considered an addiction? If it be when you feel you need something then I guess you can call it an addiction, because I could not go without it...
Along with this drinking and not getting out of bed, I ended up gaining a bit of extra weight. Though, my husband still told me I was beautiful I felt... Completely different inside and out. I no longer liked who I was, or how I looked. I hated everything about my body, and even now two years later I am still fighting with loving myself. Which is what this post is about, I am learning again to love myself and hopefully can help someone else to again love themselves, or to finally start.
So I've tried pills, drinks, wraps, anything that would help lose weight and get my body back --- none of which worked, because I used but never felt up to "working" my way back to where I was. But, I've been meditating and being with myself more lately and learning my trigges, and ways that I hav changed but can learn to love the new parts and way of my new self. self-love.
I have also slowly worked my way back into a more active lifestyle, though I am still home. I've stocked up on proteins and supplements that help to build and recover from workouts since its been so long since I have had my body be as active as I am now striving for and, I'm five days in, yes I know its early but I already feel a huge shift in my mental state regarding my self love... Which hasn't only come from working out, though I do know it releases dopamine, but from being with myself and moving forward instead of sitting still. Yesterday I had such a confident moment while being naked and I realized how much I truly miss thinking of myself in this way, which of course started this whole post. But I'm working my way through it and would love to keep you along with me during this journey. <3
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